Now she just picks up the next issue and figures out what to do about it:. There's no way your co-workers will notice. As if work hasn't been stressful enough as it is, our hypothetical man's reward for talking to this hypothetical woman who obeys the mighty word of Cosmo about all the crap he deals with at work is Now he's stuck at the office looking like a year-old trying to eke out his contribution to Movember.
Sheesh, what a rough day. After barely making the Friday deadline on his report and writing in that "random performance review" about a Sharpie mustache , the man is on his way home. And he could sure use a drink after that day. Oh, if only it were that simple. Constant, ceaseless fear of judgment is the backbone of any successful relationship or totalitarian government.
As it turns out, a man's dry throat is another giveaway that he's hiding something from his girlfriend. Here's what Cosmo has to say:. Or because he just burned a fat one to ease the stress of dealing with your daily accusations of infidelity.
Cosmo's Craziest Sex Tips: What Do Guys Really Think Of Them?
Yep, he's really got some 'splaining to do now. What are you nervous about? What are you hiding? What, exactly, were we 'presenting' again? Your horrible package to that bitch Sarah? Here's a juicy item from the list of revenge techniques that Cosmo recommends she use when she thinks a man is cheating on her. Yes, these are revenge suggestions for when she merely thinks -- not knows -- that he's cheating:. Never be in this situation, ever. If he thinks he's dehydrated now, he has has no idea what he's in for when the Ex-Lax Experience causes his body to expel liquid for three days straight.
See how much lying you can do when you lapse into a dehydration coma, you duplicitous monster! Man, she's been looking extra-hot these past couple of weeks. Our guy sure is a lucky man, and maybe it's time to show her that. Too bad that's not what Cosmo is telling her.
7 Psychotic Pieces of Relationship Advice from Cosmo | irynucovoh.ml
According to Cosmo , a guy wanting more sex is yet another sign that he's hiding something:. Women never blame the aliens. Granted, they do say to rule out other explanations first. But notice they mention this only after they've already explained in detail how and why he's cheating. And they don't say to confirm the cheating - they say to simply rule out other factors.
Then you're safe to assume he's banging somebody else. Why acknowledge a smidgen of reasonable doubt when assuming the worst possible scenario is so much more exciting? Congratulations -- your hand is now a war criminal.
Hey, he wanted to physically connect with his significant other. This is technically fulfilling that need, right? She's never been closer to his junk, now that her fingers are crushing it into a pulpy mass of shame and pain. It's probably a good thing that he'll never be capable of maintaining an erection again, because if wanting it means that he's cheating on her, being physically incapable of it must be the ultimate sign of fidelity.
Double standards aren't fair. Why should a guy ask his significant other to keep up appearances if he's not willing to himself? So, in a show of solidarity, he shoves his percolating homophobia back into the deepest recesses of his subconscious, pulls his hair clippers out of the closet and start grooming his manly regions. Heck, he figures he might as well get in shape, too, so he tries a new workout routine at the gym.
According to Cosmo , this isn't just a sign that he's hiding something, it's a sign that he's outright cheating on her:. His heart is true. If your man starts grooming down there without you requesting it, that could be an indication that he's spending more time naked,' says Vranich.
You can actually thank porn for this tipoff. Guys today are used to viewing manscaped dudes onscreen, so if he has another chick to impress with his sexual prowess, he may emulate those ultra-trimmed guys. He's spending more time at the gym. Who exactly are you trying to impress, hypothetical man, what with all the weightlifting and the pruning? That can't possibly be the case. She's got crippling self-esteem problems, thanks in no small part to all of these Cosmo articles, so she'll never believe that you started doing things out of consideration for her, nor even for your own health and personal well-being.
No, the only possible explanation for your sudden interest in sit-ups is that later that night you're attending the most vile orgy that history has seen since Caligula. You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns. Fiery punishment awaits the man stupid enough to try to improve his physical appearance for his girlfriend without her asking:. That's what you get for exercising.
Hopefully the burning won't kick in until he's hip-deep in writhing skanks, so as to optimize the casualties, like a genital-based revenge grenade. That'll teach you to take up jogging, you morally bankrupt pervert. Look, our man here trusts his girlfriend and all, but lately she's been doing some odd stuff, like poisoning him and crushing his testicles. Maybe giving out personal passwords so readily just isn't a good idea. It's just not a smart thing to do. So if he's being unfaithful, he may guard his gadgets or act really defensive when you innocently touch his phone or computer.
It should be a giant red flag if he readily gave you passwords in the past, and now he's more evasive. Get ready for either solitude or the joy of library computing. He didn't feel it was her business to have complete, unrestricted access to his business email. There is literally no possible reason for that kind of mistrust; what has she done in the past to give him reason to doubt her? Was it the Sharpie mustache that may have gotten him fired? Who keeps bringing it up? Is it that vacuum-hearted bitch from space, Sarah?
Naturally, Cosmo 's revenge list has the perfect answer for this particular transgression:. It was a sassy act of revenge. Doesn't that grant me immunity? Well, so much for being overly protective of his gadgets. Just give her the goddamn passwords! That's what love is all about, you know: Man, how did an uptight guy like him ever land a cool chick like her? He's always fretting over everyday things, but he'd better do something about that, before the stress tears them apart.
So, he promises himself that, from now on, he's not gonna let the trivial things bother him.
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You can spank me later. Stage a sprinkler seduction. Wear one of his regular white t-shirts and skip the bra.
Then, run in slo-mo through the sprinkler. Be sure to do a head toss and shake out your hair when you get to the other side. Stand in the tub without the water or on top of an old sheet and have him use the bar to draw a trail down your body. Ask him to lick it up without lifting his tongue off of your skin.
It would absolutely drive me nuts and feel so good! Brings us back to hot summers in second grade —but naughtier. If interrupted, it tends to look like something far more sinister. Instead of copying exactly how to spend your time in the bedroom from a magazine, talk with your guy first and figure out what works best for the two of you. This brings us to our second lesson. Never feel too shy to come to your man with ideas you want to test out.
- Cosmo's Craziest Sex Tips: What Do Guys Really Think Of Them? | Her Campus!
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Whether they work or end up with one of you in physical pain, just give them a try. Let your guy in on the fun. So let your guy look through the magazine with you. I mean, that could be a sex tip in and of itself! Go grab the latest issue of Cosmo and start reading! She is attempting to overcome her aversion to multitasking as she pursues courses in Liberal Studies, Spanish, and Journalism.
Now, much of the time that she should spend working on homework and writing papers is instead spent pouring through magazines and lusting over ridiculously priced shoes, impeccably styled pictorials, and the glamorous lifestyles of the cover models. She is currently a Style Guru for CollegeFashionista. Skip to main content.
Shy girls, avert your eyes… A. Which tips was our panel most likely to try out?
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